I wrote this piece some years back in commemoration of Mothers day for Jewels Leading Lights Academy Magazine. The month of May 2022 is observed as Mental Health Awareness month and mother’s day was celebrated just last week. And so, I am posting this again, because the points raised are poignant for an increasing stressful world for mothers and their mental health. I hope you find something helpful as you read on.
A group of kids were asked to describe their mothers in one word, and adjectives like beautiful, kind, funny, prayerful and loving rang out, but one word was repeated a lot more times than the others. The word; STRONG! Why does a child see mummy as ‘strong’?
Is it because you are the first person to wake up every morning, get that meal ready, make sure the hair is oiled and combed, notice every crease on the school shirt, zoom down the road to get to the school gate on time and still make it back just on time for the last school bell ?
It could be because, you make dinner, while helping with homework. You get the house ready and make sure daddy gets a warm hug and a lot of good love when he comes home, forgetting your tired bones after being at the office all day too.
Maybe it’s your ever functioning memory; you remember everything, the drugs that should be taken at 9pm, the homework project that needs to be submitted the next day, the family friend that just had a baby, the brother in-laws birthday, the aunt’s funeral ,the security guards’ sick mother …… just everything.
What really makes you so strong? Maybe you got bitten by a spider like Spiderman and suddenly, you can call for strength to make all things right in the home? I imagine a lot of women would beg to get bitten, if there was such a spider. Sadly, these fairy tales don’t happen in the real world, yet the real world expects a woman to have it all together. Society dictates and insist on these standards so strongly, that it becomes second nature, an accepted role. Thus, like an actor who has rehearsed his lines for a movie, a mother moves through her day mechanically, making sure everything is done at the right time, for the right person. Her actions are performed as a means to protect, enhance or conform to her role identity. And as Tolle would say ‘The more a person identifies with a role, the more inauthentic the relationship becomes’
When the well-deserved accolades come on Mother’s Day, there is a sense of pride in every mother, a sense of accomplishment. The super strong mummy!
But what about the days you feel frustrated, short changed? When you sit in a corner and cry alone. When you worry that the children are not turning out the way you hoped they would? When you say I love you to hubby, but stop yourself from saying so much more, because you are so afraid to rock the table? Those times you want to scream and tell the world ‘you are tired’, Or when you apply those lovely colours that light up your face when inside, your heart is heavy and dark.
Mental health isn’t about mental illness, it is about the quality of life you live, the burdens you carry can deprive you of living your best life and deprive those around you from enjoying the best of you.
Poor mental health is also the greatest driver of most illnesses like diabetes, heart diseases etc. Its consequences are found in disorders like depression, anxiety, alcohol and drug use disorder, bipolar, eating disorder and schizophrenia. These consequences do not show up just because you are sad or worried for a day or two, depression for instance, is diagnosed when a person has remained in a depressed state for a least two weeks and it begins to affect the persons behaviour, showing physical, emotional and cognitive effects.
The red flag, however, is that most conditions of ill health start with very little discomfort and then grows to become a serious ailment. Not handling grief, disappointment, failures, betrayals, financial setbacks in way that leads to healing, is like refusing to do a mammogram to detect a tumour on time. It will spread! A meme from the website ‘psychology today’ states, “moms don’t realise they are anxious or depressed, they just think they are failing”.
Brene Brown says ‘authenticity is the daily practice of letting go what you think you are supposed to be and embracing who you are’. It’s okay to say, ‘I am tired’ and ask for help or talk about it. What is not ok, is to keep that fact in your mind, harbouring negative thoughts, and using up so much energy trying to make these thoughts and feelings go away. This is what begins to build self-doubt, taking away your power to become more than the conqueror that you are.
It is a known fact that, when a person gets stuck in quicksand, the natural inclination is to struggle to move quickly out of it. This is usually counterproductive; the struggle makes you sink further and faster. The best survival tip would be to calm down and spread your weight around until you can harness the strength to pull up. Similarly, when you are overwhelmed, tired or filled with doubts, do not struggle to hide it or push it aside, rather, look at the challenge for what it is, accept the challenge for what it represents in your life, be honest about how you feel to those who share your space . The problem may not go away, but you would have freed your mind to focus on things that can grow you into the person you want to be.
What kind of mother do you want to be? What’s the next step you could take to live more like the way you want to in the area of (relationships, work, recreation, health). Connecting with your values is a first step in this journey. Values are statements about what’s meaningful to us. it is a guide that can be pursued vigorously but held lightly, because it offers you choices to open your life and take meaningful directions.
Statements like; I want to eat healthy, I want to care for my body, I want to support my children more , I want to be loving and respectful’ are guides or a compass that keep you in a particular lane, so that when there’s any form of resentment or negativity , you instantly look at these values you have decided to imbibe and see how that feeling, emotion or behaviour keeps you or removes you from the path you have chosen.
An example that is used among therapist, is the contrast of getting married and being loving (Hayes 1999). Getting married is a goal you can set and once you get through it, it’s done. Being loving is a value, its ongoing, you decide you want to be a loving person for the rest of your life and at any time life throws its lemons at you. You have a choice to either act on that value or ignore it.
Your mental health is important. Strive to be aware and true to your every emotion. Don’t just be present in your child’s life physically, be emotionally attuned, because in really seeing, hearing and feeling your child’s emotions you help them maintain a more positive mental health. And finally, your ability to remove the ‘role’ in motherhood and replace it with a heart for motherhood, means you are at one with yourself, you love yourself, you are confident in who you are and what you can give the world through your family.
Happy Mother’s Day to the world’s most exceptional strong loving mothers.