Does Faith make everything Right? This piece is not about questioning faith, its also not about religion. Its basically me inviting you to take a deeper look into what constitutes true wellbeing.
I sat back a week ago thinking about someone I knew and loved so dearly. Her life, while she lived was full of sacrifices and selflessness . She spent a greater part of her adult life serving in church, she would use her last coin to make sure the altar linens were new, the flowers were fresh and the Priest or Rev sisters had what ever they needed.
Her generosity was infectious, you only needed to let her know you had an occasion and she would jump and literary take over; ‘oh have you bought this, do you need this? What about that? She hardly had savings, everything went on someone in need.
Thinking about her on that day, I turned to my husband and said, wow! She could have been described as a spiritual giant, a Saint of our day. But would everyone agree? Maybe and maybe not.
Well, this beautiful soul married a man, her parents didn’t really approve of, but because she loved him so much, she insisted on it and before long she was pregnant and happy.
They started what was supposed to be a beautiful life together. But unknown to her, her husband had some serious unresolved childhood trauma challenges. And before long, she became his punching bag, an outlet for his frustrations. The fights were bad, bloody, and most times ended in hospital. His insecurities were insurmountable, she would start a business and before long it would be a problem, she would start a project and before long it would be an obstacle. Basically everything she did seemed to be an obstacle in her home. Her career and business growth was slow and painful albeit almost stagnant. Slowly his insecurities became hers.
Bessel Van Der Kolk’s ‘The body keeps the score’ expounds Pavlov’s experiment of the caged dogs trapped in icy water . The conflicting impulses of fear (fight) and flight(need to escape) both of which they couldn’t do, brought about a breakdown in equilibrium. As a result, some of the dogs (largely based on pre-existing temperaments) became numb, broke down emotionally , physiological and behaviourally; some traumatized people present these as symptoms : ‘physical immobility and loss of curiosity’.
On the other hand, some of the dogs, especially the previously tame dogs became vicious and aggressive. The experience seemed to change their perceptions. Traumatised people go through such changes, present symptoms of being: hypervigilant, sensitive, highly temperamental, tend to blow up in response to every little provocation and much more.
Trauma, takes away a person’s ability to rationalise normal every day occurrence as people would. In other words the emotional brain takes over the rational brain and everything is seen in black and white. The self esteem is greatly diminished because there is a constant struggle in the mind about the sense of self and people’s motives.
This great woman, who was cheerfull, happy as a young lady, became angry, highly temperamental, super sensitive, super suspicious. She believed every action and inaction was targeted at her.
She would create a beautiful friendship and with her harsh words tear it right down. People would draw close to her because of her generosity and kindness and even prayerfulness, but before long they would drift away because she said something, or over reacted about something that hurt them too much.
She was a broken woman. Struggling so much to show the world who she really was, yet failing to keep people save in her love.
It was as if , she was drowning so deep in the waters of trauma but struggling to stay alive.
Sometimes, I feel, that was what kept her in church, what also made her so generous; struggling to find acceptance. She read the bible each day, spent hours praying, served God with so much vigour and genuineness but that didn’t let her loose from the deep wells of trauma.
Further down the throngs of trauma was also ‘grief’. Grief for the things lost; dreams unrealised , beauty, peace , happiness , laughter, love and romance once fantasized about. What a burden she must have carried.Trauma is a wound, a deep wound that brings so much pain. Like a physical wound, that needs to be washed, dressed and attended to by a physician,trauma is no different. It requires healing, and this comes from consistent work with a professional trauma therapist.
Share your thoughts on this. It’s never late to seek help.
Honestly this is so real and happens to most of us. We always hear “It is well” but we know that doesn’t solve the real problem. We hear “pray about it”…and indeed prayer works…but the main issues are not addressed…they are merely swept under the carpet untill the next one arrives. Thank you for walking this path and talking people out of this darkness. We must face our demons and fight our way back into the light. Happiness is from inside out not outside in. God bless you.