CHILDHOOD TRAUMA: THE MAKING OF AN ANGRY ADULT

Someone described anger as ‘unmet expectations’. I thought this definition seemed really apt. I mean, if I expect my husband to show up at 7pm for dinner and he doesn’t, I would be a bit upset, but I would get really angry if he showed up an hour later, without an explanation or an apology. My expectations of ‘being valued, being respected’ would definitely be unmet.

In this regard, what would be the unmet expectations of a young man whose Father has provided every good thing, paid for the best schools, showed up at school meetings and at church with the family every Sunday?

Roland was so angry with his father. He believed he hated his dad. Much more than that; he was angry with the world.
He grew up in a home that supposedly seemed perfect, except his father was a very angry man; he had a temper that could move from 0 to 1000 in seconds. When Roland made a mistake, he was given seconds to explain before the slaps rained down on him. His explanations never mattered; his plea and fear were never heard or acknowledged. Before long, it was the cane, Roland’s dad would make him lie down on the floor, and he would beat him like he was seeking vengeance for something.

Roland began to withdraw into a place in himself as he forced himself to surpress his emotions. He became a scared little boy, so afraid to even think. He felt that if his dad knew he could think of something, he would get beaten. Every memory of Roland’s childhood was accompanied by the angry face of his dad. Yet within, those memories was a family that still went to church together , sat together, and acted like one happy family.

Dr Lepera’s analysis of the archetypes of childhood trauma reiterates the fact that a child that is not seen or heard in childhood experiences the feeling of emotional disconnection, a mind that feels dismissed and a soul that feels diminished.

Roland was determined to survive this and without realising it, he found a maladaptive coping strategy. He began to discharge all the emotions in him on others. He would get into fights at the smallest instance in school. He was known as the boy who could beat. No one ever defeated him in a fight. He would beat a fellow schoolmate until he knew he had injured them.

He became this formidable young man everybody feared. He hated being disrespected, he hated being criticised, and worst of all, he hated being wrong. He fought with friends who tried to correct him. By university, he was a don. People became so afraid of him. He had a reputation of never loosing a fight, and this made him real proud. He relished the memories of people he had beaten into a pulp, and he revelled in the notion that he was known and respected as big and dangerous.

Trauma changes everything in a person. I was reading R. D Laing’s theory on existential analysis. Everyone wears a mask, but when a mask becomes the very vehicle of survival, it becomes a treasured yet dangerous buffer between others and the real self. What is more dangerous is that the false mask has the power to assimilate the whole of the being.

Trauma also births moral injury, which comes from moral pain. it is a term used to describe the dilemma of morality during stressful situations. What is wrong, and what is right as it applies to the current situation? Traumatic experiences like that of Roland can lead to questions on moral worldviews or understanding of who we are as a person.

Roland brought so much hurt and pain to others. It almost seemed like every iota of compassion and emphaty was gone from him. But the truth is, Roland was a scared little boy, craving love so badly, wanting to be heard and seen for who he really was. Unfortunately, the world didn’t know that. Roland himself didn’t know that. All he knew was that there was an emptiness that returned back after the satisfaction and joy he felt when he successfully oppressed another either through beating or harassment.

What are your thoughts on this?