Anyone who takes a course on grief must come across Kubler Ross’s stages of grief. And though that theory has been disputed in so many ways, I believe the dispute can only remain within the confines of the prescribed occurrence of the stages. The fact is that a person would experience these emotions or state of mind at one time or the other during the grieving process. The stages referred to here are denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance. There are different ways to view each of these reactions, but let me try to examine anger in this article.
Thinking back a couple of years ago, I remember looking at my mum while she laid on her hospital bed, making utterances that sounded like, ‘I am ready to go’ . I remember telling her, the day we got home, that if she ate well and took her drugs, we could go visit her friend by Tuesday. And she turned and said to me, ‘you better save that time and energy for your children, I won’t be needing it.’ And true to her words she died the very next day.
Initially I didn’t feel anything other than the sorrow for her death, as I went through the burial preparations and everything, I just kind of moved through the motions. And then we buried her and a couple of months down the line, the anger started building up, the questions started coming… why didn’t she want to stay? Why didn’t she fight to stay? Was she so tired of us her children? Did we not do enough to make her happy? how could she be so selfish? and so many other whys?
It took me almost two years to get to the point where I could think of my mum without feeling those angry emotions crawling up like little ants coming out of an ant hole. And needless to say, this took a huge toll on me. Bandura would describe an ‘outcome expectation’ as a person’s estimate that a particular outcome will occur if the right combination of situational and personal processes are brought correctly to bear. So, in my thoughts, my mum could have changed the outcome, if she was determined to live, if she was motivated to fight harder for life. But then, is life given based on our determination to make it last? what about those who really fought hard to stay alive, how come they still gave in to the cold hands of death?
Grieve is difficult, you wake up each day, hoping you can get the chance to just say one more word to that person, you know they won’t come back, but deep down you keep hoping for that miracle or something like it, to make your own situation different. Huberman captures the above scenario in his analysis on ‘the science and process of healing from grief’ where he states that, the motivation to seek out the presence of a loved one who is dead is like a drug addict seeking the next dose. Test and brain scans have shown that the same areas of the brain light up in both situations, which means that the longing that comes with grief is situated on the same motivational levels that drive other forms of intense longing like drugs for example.
What does anger then mean to the grieving process? Does it extend it, or does it make it more difficult? The answer isn’t so easy to deduce, because the fact still remains that grief is experienced differently by all individuals and so one person may experience anger that pushes them to the edge of the cliff, while another could experience anger and still find they are able to control and manage the upheaval of emotions.
I read a book by Appignanesi where she gives a narration of her experience after her father’s death. Her words go as thus “I was trapped in too many contradictions, I was in a perpetual rage in those first weeks and months, perhaps year. In further examination of her actions, she asked the question “had I been bottling up these rage through those last years of illness?
Sometimes the anger that shows up isn’t a result of us not just wanting the person to die, but rather a manifestation of a hidden wound that was never cleaned, treated and healed. The anger comes from questions that can no longer be answered, whereas the answers are so desperately needed. And in some cases that anger comes from a re-emergence of triggers of past traumas.
So what do you do when anger shows up so much during grief?
- Taking a note form Appignanesi: She says, ‘succumb to the thoughts.’ What are the thoughts that pervade your mind day and night? You cannot outrun these thoughts, it’s like playing the radio on one station, the likelihood of hearing the voice of your least favourite presenter is almost at a hundred percent. So, accepting the thoughts and choosing to deal with its consequence may be an option to take.
- This can be done by journaling: You can write your true feelings in a journal, write a letter to your loved one who has passed on, the key element is your ability to stay true to your feelings, pouring out the real emotions.
- Visit a grief therapist, sometimes we think therapy means very long repeated sessions. But there are people who find succour just from one session. Sometimes being able to sit in a safe, non-judgemental environment and pour out your heart can be all the healing you need. So go on and book a minimum of two sessions to start with and see how that goes
- Visit the gravesite if you can endure that, and talk to your loved one, sometimes the feeling that your loved one is around the environment gives that feeling of satisfaction that they can hear you and they can make sense of what you’re saying.
So have you experienced anger while grieving, what was the anger about? Have you resolved the emotions? Do you want to drop a comment? I will be glad to respond.
Great read! I’m sure this will provide some comfort to any grieving reader. Yes, we are addicted to our loved ones, therefore their deaths does have the same effects on us just like any addiction will affect the addict.
The recommendations on dealing with grief anger are all relatable. However, I think the last one of visiting the grave may need to take into cognizance, cultural implications. In certain cultures, it may aggravate the grief rather bring healing because of their cultural perspective on death.
This is an insightful article. Thanks for sharing.
Great read! This will provide some comfort to any grieving reader. Yes, we are addicted to our loved ones just as an addiction will affect the addict. Hence, the anger of the vacuum.
The recommendations on dealing with grief anger are all relatable. However, the last one of visiting the grave may need to take into cognizance, cultural implications. This can aggravate the grief rather than bring consolation because of their cultural perspective on death. For other cultures, yes, it is a pathway for healing.
This is insightful. Thanks for sharing.