Psychology is a very interesting subject. I still can’t believe I rejected it for my first degree. What did I know then? We barely had any form of career counselling . Everybody wanted to be everything except a psychologist. And then, life happened and I wanted to understand the human mind a bit more. What is most intriguing is the research after research, theories after theories that sometimes is meant to just explain a single phenomenon. Makes you wonder a bit about, the creation of man. We really cannot comprehend God.
When, I met Rita at the children’s cultural day and she began talking about her mum, I heard so many words that said ‘crazy’, only that she refrained from using that word. She was really worried.
Her mum was a very educated and well travelled person. She had a successful business and so was still financially OK. So that wasn’t the problem, the problem was Rita’s mum was mean, almost evil. And her actions were beyond explanation. She could throw her grand children outside at almost midnight if they offended her and she would lock her doors and leave them there till early hours. Her grand children dreaded going to grandma’s place.
She could leave her house help without food for days Nobody dare touch what she had not permitted. And even if she gave them food it had to be leftovers or food she didn’t want.
She had money, but you could hardly get her to help when there was a need. She would use words that stung so badly , that you would rather walk away from the help. Yet, she would spend lavishly on herself.
She could be extolling your virtues one minute and the next thing she is complaining with such harsh words, that you would begin to question your self worth. She seemed to push people away joyfully but describes herself as lonely or full of emptiness at the slightest chance.
She is a very angry person and she displays this anger in very inappropriate ways for a mother and this greatly embarrasses her daughters . It had become so bad, that none of her other children wanted her in their houses. She had physically attacked and tried to fight both her daughters, when she went to stay with them. She would go out , get drunk and not even bother helping with the baby.
She had married two husbands, and both had left with the same complain, she manipulated them and then blamed them for everything . Plus she was never satisfied and attacked them at every given chance.
I never got to see Rita’s mum, but with some questioning, it began to look like she may have experienced some form of abandonment when she young. Abandonment in psychology doesn’t necessarily mean walking away or giving up a person. But it could also be a parent not focusing and nurturing a child in the proper way at a certain developmental stage.
Melanie Klein is one of my favourite psychoanalytic theorist. She worked with children. Her analysis and research on object relations theory on the child and its love objects describes the intensification of the conflict the child faces on good and bad objects. The early stage which is like a fragmentation stage of development where a child sees only in black and white; meaning there’s a good object/mummy and bad object/mummy soon progresses to the stage where the child begins to understand that both good and bad mummy are the same. So mummy is bad because she will not carry me or play with me , but is still good because she will cuddle me. The child struggles with anxiety for the fear of the loss of the good mother. And so the mother’s focus or attention on the baby is very important at this stage.
The child that is abandoned at this transitional stage could experience paranoid anxiety, the child is never secure in his or her possession of the good object or good mummy . Invariably, fear and doubt becomes a reality for the paranoid child. And, therein is the possibility of the child remaining stuck at the black and white stage and manifesting it in adult relationships. What further , accentuates this is the fact that ; in most cases the good object is at risk of being destroyed by the internalised bad objects. And so the ego struggles to protect its love objects by taking a manic position which is meant to provide additional defensive aim of denial (Self protection).
I know all this sounds complicated, but then that’s psychology for you. There are several other theories that would dispute this. The crux of the matter however is that, the adult that develops from the trauma of abandonment believes that by being rejected they were betrayed and in being abandoned they are hurt and worthless. This experience is internalised and the emptiness that comes with it, is painful to say the least. They lack the ability to reflect on the self, and their thoughts are highly distorted focusing constantly on their perceptions of not being good enough.
Analysing Rita’s mum, one could postulate that her actions could be a result of a defence mechanism known as projection identification. This means that what she fears, what she experiences internally; the pain, the anguish , the emptiness is what she projects on others. Therefore, by trying to make others feel hurt, worthless or rejected , she creates a fantasy that soothes her ego.
Can any one relate to this? I would love to know your experience.
Yes I can totally relate