“If it is a shallow relationship, when it falls apart, the pain will be slight. And the joy that relationship brings each day will also be slight. It is precisely because one can gain the courage to enter into deeper relationships by having confidence in others that the joy of one’s interpersonal relations can grow, and one’s joy in life can grow, too”
I stumbled on the book ‘The courage to be disliked’ by Kishimi and Koga, and it has turned out to be one of my favourite books. It’s a book that seeks to break down Adlerian Psychology into relatable experiences that project our deep desires for enhancement and growth of the self.
The excerpt in the first paragraph is taken from one of the philosopher’s postulation on ‘the difference between Trust and Confidence’. I found this discussion quite enlightening and perfectly suited as a foundation for today’s blog.
Now, I am a curious person, and when I hear stories, especially when there is a bit of mystery to it, I love to sit and figure out what the likely issues might be and this is what becomes the stories in my blog. I put together fragments of different stories mixed with my own assumptions. I create a case study that can help us understand the impact of trauma on our relationships.
A friend complained about her friend, whom she had known for many years. She didn’t think her friend had confidence in their friendship after all the years. She also felt there was something strange about her friend. She was nice, very accommodating and helpful. She could be a ‘mother hen’ going out of her way to do so much for those around her. She made everyone around her feel appreciated. She would give compliments, describe a person as her sunshine, and send sweet messages to say she cared. But in a sinister way, she would say the most horrible things about these same people behind their backs. Her friend couldn’t understand: Was it love or hatred?
She had sabotaged so many of their activities together. She would claim she forgot she was meant to pick the friend up for a function, and she would act so angry with the friend for coming late to that same function. She could give part of an important urgent information and claim she didn’t realise that was what she said. She seemed anxious for approval and attention but, in the same breath, acted like she didn’t care if a person stayed or not.
When there was a bit of misunderstanding between them, she would take to social media and write the most horrible things about her friend in post that were not directly referring to anyone . But the friend knew it was directed at her. And so she wondered, how can someone who is so loving and nice have so much bitterness and hostility ? Where did all the venom come from? Was this normal, or was her friend going through something?
Trauma, doesn’t have to be physical abuse or any catastrophic experience. According to Peter Levine ‘people, especially children, can be overwhelmed by what we usually think of as common everyday events… and suffer symptoms of trauma because of it.’
Details of Tanya’s past were sketchy, but she was the third child in a family of four. When she was 2 years old, her father left her mum, and the mum had just had a baby. Her mum was devastated but quickly got herself together and focused on her little baby boy, but for some unknown reason, she seemed hostile to Tanya. She was impatient with her and would complain about how slow and unhelpful she was.
Her mum did not beat her or shout at her, like she did to her elder sister, who was full of mischief; she simply ignored her. Tanya tried to be the good girl, doing all her chores right, never breaking any rules. But that didn’t get the mother’s attention; rather, she felt so unwanted, and she couldn’t explain why; there was nothing tangible to prove it. She just knew she was not treated fairly, and slowly, the resentment started building somewhere deep down her.
The adult Tanya knew how to make friends, but she didn’t have the courage to let those friendships become deep. She was angry with basically everyone because her sensitivity picked imagined negative vibes from everyone around her. She saw unfairness where it didn’t exist and felt everyone didn’t love her enough to really care about her feelings. She resented her friends and her colleagues, but she concealed that resentment by being so nice and sweet.
Tanya was operating on an empty joy tank, a queer metaphor, you might think, but aptly descriptive and in tandem to the saying: ‘You cannot give what you don’t have.’ Tanya could trust the people around her to show up as expected if she behaved in a certain way , In otherwards, if the conditions required are met, but she did not have the confidence that they could love her genuinely for her without conditions.
This is a two part series. I will finish up Tanya’s case next week with an indept psychological analysis. But what do you think? Have you had a friend who has manifested some of Tanya’s personality traits ? Has this story got you thinking?
Share your thoughts. I will be glad to talk about it.